Never alone.
Sometimes in life, we feel alone. There are times when the world seems dark and unforgiving. Heartache and grief vacuum happiness away and drain your ability to go on.
Darkness closes in. Chains seem to bind you. Breath is hard to grasp.
How do you go on? How do you survive?
Hope. Love. Peace.
It is so easy to get caught up in the idea that you are alone. Sometimes, it feels easy to let yourself hide away from the life and pain.
I couldn't help but see similarities in my life and the life of Elsa, the queen in Disney's Frozen. After seeing this movie, I decided maybe I was ready to tell my story. I have been gone from my blog for quite some time now, I know. I've been through a bit, and its not been easy...but this movie was an almost perfect picture of my past few years and helped me decide that maybe I'm ready.
Hope to the weary, strength to the weak are You, my God.
Elsa felt alone. No one understood her and she shut them out. When the pain came and relived itself, she ran away. She hid from the troubles and the world. Elsa thought this solved her problem. "Let it go, turn away and slam the door," she sings. Wasn't this easy?
Like Elsa, there have been points in my life that I felt alone. It seemed so easy to shut myself up inside and pretend I didn't exist to the world. Pain hit me hard and fast. Alone, I thought I would survive. By shutting the world out, I thought my problem would be solved.
But it wasn't.
My problems grew and the pain got stronger, like Elsa's storm. All hope for me seemed lost. Like many others, I hit a low point in my life. All Elsa ever had hope in seemed lost and gone forever. She fell on her knees to let whatever happen to her. The loneliness I felt inside consumed me and I fell to my knees. God felt so far away...
I was frozen in fear and helplessness.
Depression. No one likes to think they are depressed, but this is where I was. I was in a deep hole. I felt far away from my family, my boyfriend, and God. Yes, I put on a good show, but I ached inside. These people loved me, and I knew this. But why? Why did they love me? How could I deserve this love and care they showed to me?
I didn't deserve it...I struggled.
I suffered from panic attacks, nightmares, and other symptoms of depression. I had never felt so alone. Elsa's storm showed her turmoil inside, and my head and attitudes showed mine. I was hurt, but didn't want anyone to know. Unlike Elsa showing her struggle, I hid mine. This was the worst thing I could have done. Then, on a Bible retreat, I saw and remembered the Light and why God loved me.
A Light shining in the darkness.
Anna came to her sister's rescue. She gave up her life for Elsa, a sister she wasn't sure loved her back. Elsa shut her out but Anna loved her anyway. It was then Elsa saw a sacrificial love. A love so strong, it gave her purpose. She knew she didn't deserve her sister's love, but Anna gave it freely away. I went on a college retreat with my Bible group. They talked about trusting God through different times. There was one testimony that hit right to home. Afterwards, I cried and prayed. I prayed and knew. I might not deserve this love that God was showing to me, but He loved me anyway. I was reminded that night of the love I knew God had for me. He loved me despite of me. THAT is the gospel. As sinners, we give God no reason to love us, but He loves us anyway and sent Jesus to us.
I am not alone.
Like Elsa being reminded what love was and realizing that being alone wasn't the way to go, I realized and remembered why I was never alone. With God watching me and loving me, my family walking beside me, a church-family and caring boyfriend standing behind me, there is nothing I can't do. I AM NOT ALONE. I never have to feel alone. I am LOVED.
God, You are with me. You always have been and always will be. I never have to feel alone or be afraid. You are the Light that shone in the darkness of my fear. You hold me when I am weary and give me a love I don't deserve.
There are days I still struggle, but it doesn't consume me any more. I still have panic attacks, but trying to work though them. I have begun to go through the things that made me feel alone and it is helping. It hurts, but with God I will survive this.
I am telling my story, hoping that maybe there is someone out there that is going through this and reading it. I hope it is a help to you. I am praying for you, my reader, and my last words to you are this:
Remember WHO is there. Remember that love from Him you once knew or maybe find it for the first time. Remember that you are never alone since God is there.
You are LOVED.
If you have a question or would like me to specifically pray for you, leave me a comment or send me a message.
~tJf~
